internment. it’ll stress you out, that’s for sure. the whole east coast on some red alert and all i see are some trees blowing, all i hear is a drip of water in a bucket but i haven’t seen it rain and this god forsaken door won’t stop rattling in its frame. it’s the end of october, 2012.
these strings on the lines outside are dancing more than i’ve seen them do in the year-plus that they’ve been there. they started out as balloons and ribbons and i swore they would pop from the energy in the power lines they were snagged on, but they never did. now the balloons are gone, deflated, and it’s a knot of those ribbons pink and blue and some are yellow that i think used to be green. something so purposemade, tailormade for happiness and celebration exterminated and its remnants reduced to this. bright colors blowing in the wind of the storm of the century, caught on some black unkept power lines propped up by a rotting wooden pole.
when i moved here 19 months ago i was terrified. i showed up with 3 bags of clothes and not much more. i’d been caught on the powerlines once before and had severed the ties at whatever cost so that i could try again. i’d moved from the upper east side of manhattan, the 25th floor of a high rise building down the block from the 6 train, i took a cab to my new section 8 in queens. from the boulevards of the whitest old money to the tight streets and uneven sidewalks swarming with dominicans and pollocks. from the land of opportunity and a seat of luxury, to the land of bastard children and unforgiving mothers, men with ponytails under fitted snapbacks, leased benz’s and goons throwing dice on the steps of my home until four in the morning. when i cut loose, that’s where i landed.
but that’s not what scares you when you leave a girl after two and a half years and your world reboots. it’s the wide open sky without a powerline in sight - that is the most terrifying view to a balloon and his trailing ribbon. that notion that you can blow up and in any direction without a snag in sight…go anywhere, do anything, and beholden to no one! the greatest of freedoms will instill the greatest uncertainties and if care is not taken then the wind has the mind to take you right back where you came from.
the moment is palpable when you insert a millisecond to consider where you’ve been. don’t and be careful, because you lose a little bit of yourself every time you cut loose. too many times and you won’t even realize the flinch when someone tries to touch you. they will. are they grabbing hold, reaching to snag you? pick your battles.
we all want to exert control and that’s no surprise. it must be human nature. those who claim they don’t have the urge - that’s not evolution, it’s just layers to the onion. it could be the confinement that had me bucking the grip. but we’re really good at convincing ourselves and i can’t even see where i fucked up.